A Little Help Goes a Long Way
by Isildur's Helmet
Summary: Aragorn and Legolas want to do "it" but they don't know how....oh dear...weird stuff is going to happen.


Title: A Little Help Goes a Long Way.  
Author: Yasmin.  
Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas, Gandalf/Frodo, Merry/Pippin/Boromir.   
Rating: PG-13. No actual shag scenes. Sorry :(  
Summary: Aragorn and Legolas want to do it but they don't know how.  
Disclaimer: You all know the characters don't belong to me, all i own is the measly plot and Gandalfs Little Book of Gay Sex.  
Please don't sue me, i am only a poor child with 20 quids savings.  
Story Notes: This is incredibly stupid and far fetched and idiotic but what do you expect? It's humour. Flame me. Please. Go on. You  
know you want to. This is probably full of errors i just don't want to go through the torment of reading this again to find out where they are.  
I also know this story has a totally crummy ending but i got bored and wanted to finish it. Toof look.  
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Aragorn and legolas sat quitely together. They glanced up at each other nowand again and after a couple of minutes Legolas  
broke the silence by looking up at Aragorn and saying:   
"Alas! Aragorn, my beautiful bearded man, let us have mad raging love and you can take my elfhood and do with it as you please.  
Aragorn could see the lust in Legolas's eyes....and replied.  
"Legolas as much as i would like to i do not have a clue what to do"   
"What? Your supposed to know what to do......"   
"Well...."  
"It says so in ALL of the storys your supposed to know what to do..."  
"Well, i do not"   
"Do you think we could ask Gandalf?" Legolas asked his brave warrior king.  
"I do not think he would take to us interupting him and Frodo but.....i suppose but if it is the only choice."  
  
  
So Legolas skipped and Aragorn walked bravely like the King he is into Frodo and Gandalf's camp place thing but Legolas paused outside.   
"I do not think we should go inside!" Legolas said.  
"Why not my beautiful blonde haired beauty?" Aragorn son of Arathorn replied.  
"Listen.....CREBAIN FROM DUNELAND! no that's not right.......ewwww......yuck!"   
"What? I cannot hear! I do not have the hearing of the elves!"  
"Tis' Gandalf!"   
"Duh"  
"No....he's doing....something with oh that's just absolutely disgusting!" Legolas said in a obviously digusted tone.  
"Tell me!" Replied Aragorn, who was getting very impatient waiting for Legolas to tell him what was going on and for Legolas to....ah well you know.  
"I do not have the heart to tell you...for me the disgust is too near!"   
At that Aragorn gave up on asking Gandalf, after all he might not be the only fountain of dirty knowledge, Boromir might know something, as afterall he sounds a pretty foxy guy....thought Aragorn, Estel, Elessar, Heir of Isildur, Strider, Wingfoot, longshanks etc.  
"Should we ask Boromir, for advice in this Leg-o-laaaas?" Aragorn asked his companion now lover and who knows what else.  
"You say my name weird" Legolas replied.  
"Thats how your supposed to pronounce it"   
"Oh"  
"Anyway shall we?"   
"Yes we shall, though the thought of what i have just heard burns my heart so...."  
"And you call me weird..." Aragorn muttered.  
Aragorn and Legolas made their way to where Boromir and the two merry young hobbits Pippin and Merry were camped, noises  
could be heard to the elvish ears there and Legolas heard them, or else he would have been a disgrace to elves but anyway....  
"There is a fell voice on the air...." He said.  
"Do not worry, my lover for it is probably just Boromir polishing the Horn of Gondor." Aragorn replied, comfortingly (if thats even a word)  
And so they went on towards the camp and the noises grew louder so that even Aragorn could hear them.  
"That is not just Boromir, Aragorn! There are others! Little voices, tis' Merry and Pippin!" Legolas exclaimed.  
"I know i can hear it too, i did not want to speak of it until we grew nearer but now i fear what i am about to see!"   
"Do not fear! For what we may see now can never be as bad as what i saw this one night at Rivendell...." Said Legolas.  
"oooooooooh What did you see?" Asked Aragorn ,as he was obviously interested.  
So Legolas launced into explanation, but i won't, as i don't think you want to know what Elrond gets up to in his spare time   
(hint: It is not plucking his eyebrows...although he probably does that too..) and they nearly forgot all about what they were supposed to  
be doing until a loud cry of...."Now, now! little ones you can both get a shot of...."  
Just then Legolas and Aragorn burst threw the trees and found Boromir, Merry and Pippin...in the -gasp- nudey pants! This was too  
much for Legolas' little virgin eyes and he fainted. Aragorn remained standing and Boromir's face went bright red.  
"ARAGORN! I can explain...."  
"BOROMIR!"  
"You see Merry and Pippin only wanted me to explain to them how to....well...you know and then it all got out of hand! Oh what have i   
done! Aragorn!"  
Aragorn began to run off and Boromir ran after him, he then fell (which was extremely painful since he was naked and all) and sat on  
a tree trunk and started to cry.   
"Aragorn!" Boromir cried but it was useless because Aragorn was trying to find the nearest hole  
in the ground which he could vomit into.  
  
3 hours and lot of vomiting later, all of the fellowship (even Legolas who quickly recovered from his swooning fit) were huddled round the  
fire which Gandalf had lit for warmth for them. The Hobbits were talking amongst themselves, Gandalf was sitting smoking his pipe thoughtfully,  
Boromir and Gimli were talking about battle strategys and Legolas and Aragorn were playing footsie.  
Legolas stopped mid-foot fondle and whispered into Aragorns ear.  
"Do you think we could...seeing as the rest of the party are keeping themselves amused?" He asked Aragorn.  
"We still do not know what to do!" He replied.  
"It cannot be that hard! I am elf! I am well learned in lore and music and archery and maybe how to   
shag a man will come to me!" Legolas exclaimed in hope.  
"But you are a virgin if someone ought to have more experience in this it should be me seeing as i have actually slept with someone before!"   
  
Legolas sighed and sat thoughtful for a moment longer. He knew it couldn't go on like this much longer with both of them not   
knowing what to do, especially since he was so horny and all so he decided that he would have to pluck up his courage and go  
and ask Gandalf.   
  
"Aragorn, i am going to ask Gandalf, tis' either now or never and we may not get another chance to do this." He told his beautiful man.  
"I shall come with you, my fair elf. If you are to face embarassment then i will face it with you!"  
  
So Legolas drew up all his inner strength, took and deep breath and nudged Gandalf.  
  
"Gandalf, me and Aragorn, we wish to speak to you.....away from the rest of the company" Legolas asked in a hushed manner.  
"What is it concerning? Is there something wrong?" Gandalf replied.  
"Yes...sort of but nothing that concerns the safety of the rest of the group...it is..concering me and Aragorn."   
Aragorn nodded his head solemnly and Gandalf got up an followed Legolas who was walking towards a secluded area of rock beside the camp.  
  
"Gandalf, tis' me and Legolas, we have something to ask you in which we hope you may have some knowledge in." Aragorn asked the wizard.  
"I think i know what it is concerning but incase i misjudged please inform me." Gandalf said knowingly.  
"Me and Aragorn we...want...to....we...want....."   
"To know more about Saruman, yes thats right, hows the old buggar doing, still up to his old tricks?" Interrupted Aragorn. He knew  
he couldn't face telling Gandalf private matter such as this.  
"WE WANT TO KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!" Legolas blurted out after hearing Aragorns poor attempt at covering up the real question.  
  
Now this was too much Gandalf, he fell on the floor laughing and his wizard hat fell off and he banged his head on a piece of rock but  
still he kept laughing until Legolas pulled him up.  
  
"What is so funny?" Legolas asked Gandalf.  
"Oh you pair of fools! I have watched you debate about this for several days...and i was wondering when you would finally ask me!"  
"You mean, you saw us..when you were...with....frodo?" Aragorn gulped.  
"No" Gandalf replied and a tinge of embarassment began to sear up his face.  
"Oh. Anyway can you help us Mithrandir?" Said legolas.  
"of course i can, i never go anywhere without the birthday present Saruman bought me at the begginning of Third age..ah now where is it?" Gandalf  
searched through his belongings and brought a little book which was called err..."The Little Book of Gay Sex". He handed it to Aragorn  
who studied the front cover then put inside his pocket.  
"Oh thank you Grey Pilgrim! You do not know how much you have helped us!" Legolas cried in joy.  
"Im glad to have been of help...now you two run along and do what you've been hankering to do for days on end!"  
"Yes, we will thank you!" Aragorn replied.  
  
And so Legolas and Aragorn strayed over to a quiet part of the woods and began to read the book and soon after they did it, more  
times than in the whole series of Footballers Wives. Only that was men and women. But it might have been two men, who knows?  
  
Some time later....  
  
Aragorn remembered that the necklace he was wearing wasn't just for decoration and dumped his little elven whore,   
Legolas got aquainted with Gimli (ah the horror the horror!), Boromir...eh....died, Merry and Pippin were molested by a bunch of orcs, so  
was Frodo...no wait that was Sam...never mind! Gandalf fell into Shadow and was whipped by the Blarog which couldn't have been  
very nice at all.  
  
  
THE END.  
  
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